The Do's and Don'ts of Visiting a New Mom (straight from the horses' mouths!)

A new (again) mom friend of mine suggested I do a post on what NOT to do when visiting new parents. As I am expecting Baby Sister to arrive in about 4 weeks, I am gladly obliging in selfish hopes that I will benefit from doing so. This is a progressive post, so keep commenting about what I should add!!

And, If you are expecting a baby soon, share this post (passively...) on your Facebook page, or as a spam email, so your family and friends can be prepared to be the most supportive of you!!

Thanks!


Food

• Do not show up without (easy-to-heat) food. In disposable containers.
• or, if you are staying with the new parents, do be proactive and plan to cook meals.  Tell momma and daddy as such.
• if they have a small child already, do make meals that will be eaten by said child (i.e. avoid super-spicy foods)
• When bringing food, do consider other items in addition to, or besides, dinner such as:
• breakfast
• fresh fruit and veggies, sliced and ready to be eaten for snack (edible arrangements!!)
• dessert
• alcohol! :)  Wheat beers are good for milk-making mommas!
• Do bring chocolate

Mom's condition

• Don't pat new Momma's belly and comment about it not going down yet (yes this really happened...)
• Don't ask her if there is another one in there (yes this really happened...)
• Do tell her she looks amazing (even if she looks like dog poo)
• Don't come over too gussied up (because she won't be!)
• Don't ask if she's ready for another!

Volunteer

• Do be proactive - clean litter box, take trash out, fold laundry, do dishes - don't wait for the parents to ask
• Do offer to help or watch baby for a moment while momma takes a break (like a shower!) - but give her back the moment baby gets fussy!
• ... but don't take baby from her!
• Do offer to wash your hands before holding baby (without being asked)!

You are not a guest

• Remember you are not here on vacation so don't expect the new parents to take you shopping, out to eat, to the movies, or to accommodate your need to watch specific football games
• Don't make a mess!
• Don't express too much interest in what is happening under the nursing cover
• Don't talk about your breastfeeding horror stories

They Need Rest

• When visiting new baby, remember parents need to sleep when baby is sleeping so don't stay too long!
• Don't tell her to nap when the baby naps (while so true, it gets old to hear when other stuff just needs to be done sometimes)
• Don't ask to see (or awaken!) a sleeping baby
• Don't drop in unannounced
• Don't come over sick (if they, or the baby, gets sick, ain't nobody getting rest!)
• Don't comment on how tired Mom looks
• Don't complain about how tired YOU (the visitor) are.

Siblings Class at the Hospital



waiting in the lobby for class to begin!



I first heard about this from a friend who's hospital offered this class, so I asked my OB if ours did. The date it was offered at our hospital didn't work for both hubby and I to attend, so we found one (looking online) at another local hospital we could attend.

I think this was more for parents than kids, but for an hour or so of our lives, it was worth it. M brought his own baby doll (the one that my dad balked at me buying for him when hubby and I found out we were pregnant).



We started with a tour of the maternity ward - got to see some brand new babies through the glass getting their first baths. The instructor talked about how this would be where mommy would come have her baby.

holding a shirt for his baby

Then we walked to the classroom to watch a video, Silly Siblings (got some giggles from the kiddos)

http://injoyvideos.com/sibling-silly.html

Some of the highlights were:

- baby will enjoy watching you dance

- you can help with the baby (bring things to mommy or daddy, bathe)

- babies only drink mommy's milk, or formula (this got some "ew's" at the breastfeeding scenes)

- babies cry - a lot

- feelings (briefly) and what you might do (safely) to express them



Then the kids got to take items out of a diaper bag and talk about what they were called and what they were used for (wash cloth, nose bulb, diaper, baby wash, clothing, teething toy, rattle).

They got to practice holding a baby (sitting, with crossed legs, pillow in lap, mommy brings baby to you, use gentle touches). She pointed out how heavy the baby was (demonstrated with a weighted doll)



taking off a diaper





The kids also got to practice helping with the bath for their babies.



The instructor pointed out that us parents should cut our kids a good amount of slack in the first while after baby is born. She equated it to getting a new Sister Wife (you know, like the TV show?), and having her wear your clothes and use your kitchen - how would you feel at first?

- don't expect a kid under 5 to behave and reason like a 7 or 8 year old

- don't always resort to time out for minor infractions or as a first reaction

- greet your older child first (and without the baby) in the hospital when s/he comes to visit, and when you get home from places. This goes for visits from grandma and grandpa - and others - too. Even though the excitement is around the baby, greeting the older child until their attention wears out won't really take long. Then see the baby.



- keep a few small toys, wrapped, on hand in case a guest brings something for the baby, but forgets something for the older sibling (they are too young to really appreciate why this is)



holding the real-weight, real-sized baby,
while sitting cross-legged, with a pillow...
 supporting her head (sort of)



- get something for the older sibling as a gift from the baby on the first visit to the hospital



- Expect some regression - potty habits, wanting to use a bottle, asking to nurse. These will all be short lived, especially if you don't make too big of a deal about it.

- Learn to talk to your kids so they know what they expect, and you don't have to be threatening.

- She recommended reading the book, Siblings Without Rivalry. Its on our wish list!!

- Also, the 'new' thing is to care for the umbilical stump by keeping it clean and dry, and not by rubbing it with alcohol (which is what they told us to do for our son, two and a half years ago).

Whether you cloth diaper or not... find a cloth diaper retailer near you!

borrowed from Granola Babies' Facebook page - thanks!

If you are expecting or just received I highly recommend seeking out a cloth diaper retailer near you...

And I don't even want you to buy a cloth diaper there!

I was recently emailing with a friend who happens to be interested in cloth diapering her bun-in-the-oven, and mid-epistle, I thought, "She should just go to a cloth diapering store and ask them... better yet ask the moms that hang out for those mommy groups... more importantly go to a mommy group!"

Having your first baby is hard! And I don't mean the labor and delivery (that is a whole different post). I mean there is a blissful week or two where you are running on adrenaline and being super mom and dad dynamic duo. Your new baby has barely realized he is outside the womb and is so content. You go see a movie (yes, really, do that) and go to a trendy restaurant for whatever meal occurs at 3PM because you've just remembered to eat. Yay, parenting is easy! Then Hubby goes back to work and Grandma goes home and you are there with junior all. day. long. One on one.

Its awesome and its overwhelming. You had all these plans of all these things you were going to do while home with him, but somehow you can never even make it out the door! Insert mommy group here. I don't mean meeting up at the playground with a tight knit group and drink Starbucks while the kiddos dig in the sand. You are not there yet. I mean a place you can go where there are other moms at your very same overwhelmed stage, and some a few weeks or months ahead of you who can offer sage advice. And you'll feel like everybody knows your name.

This is the place where you can practice trying to be somewhere on time, with all the required supplies. Because if you are 'late' no one will mind. You will want a place to practice breastfeeding in public (even if that's not the route you're going, they probably won't mind extra's!). You will want to know its OK if your baby cries in public (hubby and I used to be mortified by M's tiny wails... ) and that tiny baby cries are nothing compared to the bigger varieties. You will want to know how exactly other moms do it... and survive in general. You will want to ask the occasional question and be comforted by others' questions and enjoy being around grown ups (that don't mind talking about poop all the time and have spit up on their clothes, too). You will want to come every week... at least...

Here is another post I wrote about the fabulousness of Mommy Groups.

And here are some resources to find one near you:
La Leche League there are meetings held all over the world, and there is bound to be one near you and at a convenient time... and probably in a cloth diaper store, but I also went to one that was in the cafe area of a grocery store, and one that was in a church meeting space.
BumGenius (they are probably the most popular cloth diaper retailer, so any brick and mortar store that carries cloth diapers, probably carries theirs... and probably also offers mommy groups. )
The hospital/birthing center where you gave birth or saw your doctor - the usually offer lots of prenatal classes, and many offer ways to connect with other new moms after giving birth, too (see... there is science behind this mommy group idea)

Google it. I bet you will find one. In fact, I have a friend in Virginia who swears there is never anything fancy going on in her town and there is a cloth diaper store that, in fact, has mommy groups. I just checked :)

Can I get an AMEN on mommy groups?

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What happened to my toddler?!

the truck is, apparently, much more fun to ride,
than to let sit around storing toys...

If you are reading this because your sweet toddler angel has suddenly started behaving 'badly', you are not alone.

Over the tail end of this weekend and into my Monday and Tuesday with him 1:1 we had a terrible time. I felt like I was losing many battles and possibly the war. Until now (at least in retrospect), I have been pretty happy of most of my decisions in parenting and the behaviors and habits I see coming out in my kid. But the past few days have been brutal. I emailed one friend in a panic "Help! M is testing me to the limits! How do I get my head back in the game?!"

Step one, it seems, is reach out to your mommy friends for support and advice. Honestly, I was utterly embarassed about the behavior going on in our house. It was taking two full grown adults every ounce of energy we had not to explode over trying to quell throwing utensils and refusal to help pick up toys (that he repeatedly dumps out) and melt downs over changing poopy diapers. And my former genius sweetheart was now a 'bad kid'. I was almost too embarassed to bring this up to my friends. But I am SO glad I did. The first email to my pal with a toddler about 3 months younger than ours yeilded much empathy and wisdom. I sipped my coffee while I read:

      "Knowing that it won't last forever and that what he is doing is to learn and grow and explore his world helps, too. And that you are not a bad parent nor are you alone."

I was starting to feel less stressed...

My status, "I think I need to re-watch the 'Don't Shake the Baby' video, now that we have reached toddler-hood" attracted the attention of another friend with a toddler the same age as ours, and she replied, "I laughed out loud... the same thing is happening at our house!" I felt 50 lbs lighter.

After one whole day of self-therapy, and the hubby returning from out of town, the gremlin turned back into our (mostly) angel. And I didn't even have to drink a bottle of wine... but I did treat myself to chocolate. Interestingly, another suggested therapy was to scream! In the shower, garage, or walk-in freezer. I am squirreling this one away for later.

Here are some links to some resources - even if they tell you stuff you already know (but keep trying to remember in the heat of the moment), it may make you feel better to know that this does happen to everyone, and that people got rich off selling books on the topic!

Aggression, hiting, and biting (BabyCenter)

When Push Comes to Shove (Parents.com)

The Reasons Behind Bad Behavior in Children (whattoexpect.com)

How Kids Develop

What buttons is your toddler pushing? How are you handling it?

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